Aftershocks

I was going about my business as usual. Mind galloping through the fields of memories and then suddenly I stumbled on this realisation that talking to myself constantly in my head was such a usual part of my life for so many years. The anxiety to tell or share something with a real person didn't even exist. My usual routine was to do celebratory cheers and sullen whispers in my head and move on.

Last few months had completely changed that. I had a totally different outlet. I was talking to a real person. Looking forward to it. Instead of listening to music in my car, I would be debating, learning, arguing or laughing about something or the other. I am back to the music, the loud volume trying to drown the thoughts in my head. I am talking to myself once again. It doesn't feel unnatural but something feels amiss. It happened without any warning, in a split second as if a tsunami of thought released a feeling that was deeply buried somewhere inside and the emotions ran unchecked. Took me a bit to recover but I did. Rest of the day went running post to post. No time to breath.

I am lying in the bed now and out of nowhere comes this deep sense of loss of friendship and loneliness. And I am back in the emotional trenches. These emotions come as aftershocks.

They are sudden, come without a warning and take over me rapidly. I am trying but I don't think I can replicate how I felt again. And some part of me is even scared to do that. There is only so many times you want to give these jolts of change to yourself.

Hopefully, the aftershocks will pass and I will be a person I was. Cruising an unexhilarating life on auto pilot, living and subtitling it in my head, as I would have a year ago.

Alone was never this hard before.