Belligerent Buffoon

Dormant

I haven't been here in a while. It has been a conscious choice. I have held myself back largely. There are several unpublished drafts that I don't think I'll publish now. In fact, I have been thinking about taking down this blog for good. I think it has run its

Irrational

I am out there somewhere. But not here. I have become so nervous about the weekends, that I go and numb myself with liquor even before they fully kick in. I finished a bottle of wine and ate a whole of pizza. Today was a day, where you accidentally fall

Introspection

It has been a month since I started tracking my mood to build a better understanding of whether I am on a path of recovery yet or not. Looking at the data I would say that the verdict is still not clear. I do feel that a week back I

Love letter

Sometimes I wonder why do I write everything that I write here? And then I stumbled on a letter that Richard Feynman wrote to his wife 16 months after she died. And it reminded me that sometimes we write for ourselves and not others. I adore you, sweetheart. I know

Stand up comedy

I just dreamt about her whole night. The one I saw in the early hours stuck with me among the different ones that I saw. I was living in London in the house that we use to live in. She sent me a stand-up comedy show link in a message.

Museli

My emotions have been running unchecked for 2 days now. Leaking corners of eyes every few minutes. Three only thing I can do it look away and try and shut down my mind, distract it or play a game endlessly on my phone. And then as soon as I pause,

Love vs Living

It is easier to love somebody than to live with them. Love is fantasy, living is work

Moot

This week went faster than the last one. Work slowly consuming me as I let it. A constant thread in the back if my mind about how every passing day stacks up on the previous one to make the gap longer. We haven't spoken to each other and we haven't

Quandary

I slept well. Saw so many dreams mixing reality, past and imagination with fictional TV content. As I step into the morning, they fade fast. And yet, I feel tired and sleepy. Uninterested in everything, feel like lying down and just wait for the day to go by. Everyday, this

Lonely

There are so many times when I wished that I would somehow get away from everything and everyone and no one is able to find me. But it mostly remained a momentary wish. Something you say but don’t really realise or experience. This time however I may have ventured

Finally alone

Bit by bit, I have navigated my path to detach and distance. Incrementally doing the hard thing to lead myself where I need to be. No one checking in, no supervision. This is possibly what inflection to being alone finally looks like.

Chasm

What am I supposed to say? How am I to respond to something heartfelt? You can't be the one to put up a wall and then pretend that it doesn’t exist. The words clamber to the tip of my tongue to die there. They lie among the things unsaid.

Longing

Woke up with a longing to hold and see that I can’t explain and have not felt before.

Stuck

Sometimes I wonder if she remembers me still. The fast fading memory of a time and person that was transitory and ephemeral. Maybe one day she will wake up and the day will pass in pre occupation of things and people that matter more and reside in the mental space

Aftershocks

I was going about my business as usual. Mind galloping through the fields of memories and then suddenly I stumbled on this realisation that talking to myself constantly in my head was such a usual part of my life for so many years. The anxiety to tell or share something

Frustration

My mind is possibly my arch-nemesis. Talking me up and cajoling to do nice things for self and telling me how I have everything under control. And then when a moment of frustration arrives, then completely flip its position and remind me how I am on this path to crash

Fairy tales

Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten. ~ Neil Gaiman & G.K. Chesterton

Rare

If we do not listen to our convictions, they might haunt us for rest of our lives. I understand why everyone thinks I am hesitating to make the right choice. Why they think I am driven by fear. The problem is not that I am conservative or scared. The problem

Inequality

There was always a certain inequality in the relationship. In my attempt to be a glassfrog I have created an inlet for the others to peep-in without being offered that luxury in return. Second guessing how someone I care about is doing, is hard. I end up projecting my current

Not waving but drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning. Poor chap, he always loved larking And now he's dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, They said. Oh, no

Dashed hopes

I stood there, watching the dust cloud settle as the little remaining joy in my life drove into the sunset. How can I feel so helpless about it when I did it all knowingly. Even I thought that I was only half-joking when I said, I could make her hate

God

I am not a religious person. Haven't been one for more than 2 decades now. But I remember quite well that 4 am of the morning more than 17 years ago when things got unbearable for me after having stayed up, spiralling down through the night. At 4 am, I

Hope and Rejection

I have been feeling guilty, and so I know I did something wrong. It is simply cruel to scratch the wounds and keep them fresh, of your own and those of others. I can't believe in moments of desperation I became so eccentric that I started hurting people I love.

Beats

I lie in this bed unable to walk. And a single song runs on a loop. She asked me if the songs with faster beats make me feel better? In reality, beats just drown the thoughts out. They make it easy to release the pent up emotions. Beats take the

Slow down

There is nowhere I need to be. There is no one waiting for me. There is nothing I hope to accomplish in specific. There is nothing waiting to happen. There is no rush. Time and the need to make best of it is illusionary. The moment is now, I am