Forgotten

I am sitting in a corner sipping a neat gin, wondering why am I doing that? It is very unlike me. I scan through the crowds to see if I can spot a counter with tonic or ginger ale. And then I spot her, standing with her arms around another man. Grinning and laughing heartily. For a moment I am ecstatic to see her and then my heart sinks. Unsure if I want to meet her when she is with someone, I am wishing that she doesn't see me. Before she does, I should find my way out of this crowd and find myself some quiet. But right at that moment I see she is moving her gaze through the crowd. She looks at me as then continues to look across. I am puzzled and I back look at her. Once in a while I catch a sideward glance towards me but otherwise I see no sign of recognition. I feel heartbroken.

And then I am standing in a registration office. For registration of a land that I am planning to buy. There is a seller who is coming to sell the land. I see the papers and I realise that she is the seller. Before I am able to do anything she walks in. We exchange Hellos like two acquaintances and get on with the work. I drill down into her eyes to see if there is an hidden emotion. But I don't find it. And it breaks by heart once again.

Knowing that I was forgotten about was very lonely even if only in a dream. I don't know how else I was to feel about it. I asked for this, I wished her to be happy and to move on. And then the thought of it is unbearable. My mind is full of paradoxes.

I don't know what my mind is upto. Maybe it is cautioning me, warning me of a possible future or just testing me to see if I am ready for this. Replaying this in different ways in my dreams.

I know the pain to see someone you love with another person is far more than to see them alone, but I think I am willing to bear it. I asked for this, so it is just unfair to hope that this doesn't become my reality. And I think mind is just preparing me for it. For it knows that, that is where my great filter lies.