Grief

Am I not allowed to take a pause and grieve loss of love? People around me, my mind, my life won't let me pause. It has a way to bend you to its will. I want to find a quiet place, curl up and shed some tears. But I am not allowed that luxury. The feeling, where you scan around for a hidden corner so that crouch down and just be.

I just reached home after what was a mixed day at office. I threw myself on the bed and buried my face in the pillow. Hoping that I won't have to get up until I feel like. Five minutes in, I need to get up and make tea for myself and others. Resume my normal life. Why can't my mind just let me be. Why can't I just shut down for an evening and be left unfound.

I am being asked to rush up and move back to the house. There is so much passive push for me to do that. To leave this sanctuary of solitary life, which I love. To smile, mingle and be someone else with people around. To abandon my rights to sulk and mope. Why can't I do it on my own terms. A weekend that I had to myself is gone now. I don't know why I did that. Maybe I should be just reclaim it.

Can I just have a fucking moment for myself!?