Moot

This week went faster than the last one. Work slowly consuming me as I let it. A constant thread in the back if my mind about how every passing day stacks up on the previous one to make the gap longer. We haven't spoken to each other and we haven't messaged either. She resides in my head like an ambient noise. Something that is constantly there to a point that I am not even actively thinking about it. I have stopped talking to her in my head as well. There are moments when I get low and miss her suddenly. Last night right before I drifted off to sleep, suddenly this feeling of sadness swept in. Same happened while driving to office today. I am mentally prepared that as weekend creeps in, the emotions will take a stroll in my heart and crowd it.

I got to know about someone close who is possibly in a state, I could have been a month ago. And I wondered if it was lack of courage that kept me from leaping over to the other side. Is it the sense of responsibility that kept me tethered? Was it a decision that was driven more by fear or because of my level-headedness? I can craft and narrate the story as I see fit to myself. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I am here. Sometimes I appreciate the simplicity of my current situation, and other times I wonder if I am just existing and doing what I did for so many years.

I am seeking the feeling of numbing myself down today evening to ensure that I don't get overwhelmed. I get dreams about seeing her with other people now and then. I wake up sad and lonely. Then the things get better. I wonder, if I am aggravating my sadness by being stubborn about not moving on. Expecting to move-on makes me feel like a fraud. As if I fabricate all this sadness if I am able to move on that quickly. I think whether she has moved on and while I hope she has I also hope she has not forgotten about me. It is such an intricately complex set of emotions where I am constantly battling fending for myself and then trying to love someone I pushed away purposefully. I feel this bubbling anger for myself. I have given in to this lack of clarity and hurt so many people. Remain perpetually confused and stuck.

As time will move on, how I feel, and what I am willing to do, will eventually become moot. The only person who will be affected by all of this is just me and maybe that is what I deserve and that is fitting to me. You get what you deserve.