Recovering melancholic

Fall

Running up the steps I missed the last one. As the ankle twisted and I heard a distinctive crack, the first emotion that accompanied the searing pain was that of relief. While I stayed down on the ground for about 20 minutes absorbing the pain, I kept thinking how nice

Crisis

And just like that I am spiralling down. The great filter is here.

Forbidden love

I spent a big part of last two decades wandering alone in these dark alleys of my mind. Reminding myself that I am alone and there is nothing more difficult than to not have someone by your side to hold you when you need it. A decade and half later

Sinking

I am starting to see my cycles. Emotions, being stoic and then relapsing into unhealthy eating and drinking and then waking up with regret of not having better control. The gap between these cycles is increasing. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe this is what survival instincts look for me.

Detached

I have been wondering if a sudden lack of emotional response healthy, normal or expected? Or my mind is just taking a break. I feel unaffected by everything. I feel like I am running on auto pilot. There is this sudden emotional lull. I had an overwhelming emotional week and

Swirl

Mind swimming in the pool of memories downing all emotions with an alluring swill relapsing and reliving the moments bygone of the time that I wished, only stayed still

Forgotten

I am sitting in a corner sipping a neat gin, wondering why am I doing that? It is very unlike me. I scan through the crowds to see if I can spot a counter with tonic or ginger ale. And then I spot her, standing with her arms around another

Recovery

I fell asleep last night putting kids to sleep. The night was plagued with broken sleep, distant dreams and swirling mind. I saw friends moving countries and I am packing up stuff and getting ready for a move myself. I saw I dropped my new phone and broke it. I

Limbo

Every time I sit in my car and start driving, my mind is crowded with irrational thoughts. I want to act on my impulse, and then I slowly talk myself out of it. Step by step, convincing myself that I am over romanticising the possibilities and the life. I tell

Sunset

I didn't know until then, that a calm breeze & setting sun could be so peaceful. It fed the souls, calmed the mind and melted the hearts. Despite the fact that nothing was said, it was one of the memorable evenings I have. The place is etched with a memory that

Do not go gentle in good night

Something to remember when you are lost in the darkness of the night. Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because

Hate

I am sooooo out there, no sense of reality around me. I keep checking my messages, but they don't come. I am watching intersteller. I am at 1:20:11 in the movie. 23 years have passed and all these messages are going into the oblivion. And then at 1:

I am ok

The volume won't go any higher. I am struggling to describe how I feel. I have this irrational euphoria now that I have disconnected from the physical world around me. I am hiding behind the loud music in my years. With whiskey swirling on my tongue I finally feel my

Silence

This silence around me that somehow found me incessant ringing in ears whispering of my fears missing sanity that it stole this silence, it will swallow me whole

Anger

Read something I shouldn't have. I had warned myself not to do that. But now the words are out there and spoken. Nothing can take them back. Just like the numerous ones that I said. People belittling my problems. Trying to rationalise how I am unreasonable and needy and piece

Grief

Am I not allowed to take a pause and grieve loss of love? People around me, my mind, my life won't let me pause. It has a way to bend you to its will. I want to find a quiet place, curl up and shed some tears. But I am

Parched

I am craving a drink. To drown these feelings and the loneliness that night brings everyday. Acutely aware that this is where path to self destruction begins. I can taste it on my tongue, feel it dull my senses and relieve this ache that perennially plagues me. She won't approve.

Other side

I have a feeling that I am drowning getting swept away with the flow of tide this life lost in finding my way to you I will hopefully find you on the other side

Dreams

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time ~  Winnie-the-pooh

Pieces

It feels like I am embarking on this steep climb ahead of me, alone. It is dark and desolated. There is haunting music echoing around. Every time I wish for company of people who should be here with me, my mind cautions me against that. It reminds me the agony

Choices

Watching this series and out of nowhere pops this gem. Nothing haunts you like the choices you don't make Serendipity, you go and fucking die. Don't get all preachy on me. Fuck you!

Slow day

I just finished lunch. Came back to my work desk. My next meeting is 30 minutes away. As I look for ways to fill these 30 minutes, I mindlessly scroll my phone. There is nothing to engage me. There are no messages. There is no one checking in. And that

Empty

Peering into my soul, I see it suspended emotionless in a corner. As if it has been wrung dry of feelings. I don't feel like feeling anything. Don't feel like saying anything. I can just sit here and stare into a wall for hours. I find this silence peaceful and

Stoic

I am surprisingly devoid of emotions this morning. I imagined my body would refuse to get out of the bed today. But I did and made tea for dad. I am going to get into a shower. It feels like my mind is actively trying to partition my life. The

No time for caution

I cannot let me go to sleep like that. It is 4 am. I need some courage and inspiration, so I am resorting to this clip. I'll attempt and dock to sanity. Not because it is possible, but because it is necessary. If you understand this movie you know what