Recovery

I fell asleep last night putting kids to sleep. The night was plagued with broken sleep, distant dreams and swirling mind.

I saw friends moving countries and I am packing up stuff and getting ready for a move myself. I saw I dropped my new phone and broke it. I saw that I pushed my wife on the brink of hopelessness. I woke up with guilt and regret. It was a moment of clarity at 2:30 am.

I held her hand when she didn’t asked me to and led her to this life. Despite all the challenges, she is trying whatever she thinks she needs to. I don’t know whether I found my rock bottom or not but I know that she found herself in an unpleasant place this month. I feel responsible for that. I cannot abandon her.

When I got up in the morning, I felt more at peace. Partly because there is a growing sense of lack of choice. As if the decision is not with me anymore. I just have a role to play.

I found my mind more focused and calm, which is how it usually is when I have been given a task.

I am a bit sad but I feel better. I hope this is a concrete step in a direction. My heart is known to take one step forward and two steps back.

Grief is a faster teacher than joy