Sinking

I am starting to see my cycles. Emotions, being stoic and then relapsing into unhealthy eating and drinking and then waking up with regret of not having better control. The gap between these cycles is increasing. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe this is what survival instincts look for me.

A series of distributing dreams in the night. A foggy mind in the morning. I wish to just stay in bed and drift into day dreaming about nothing in particular. But work today won't offer me that luxury.

I wish I would find my way back to my better self that survived through 2023. It is like I have abandoned him without a justification to myself and there is no will to find him again. I try to tell myself that I should do this for me. But the answer I hear back is, why? What difference would it make? What is this need for me to be a better version of myself? Why do I need to be Healthier. Why can't I be an unhealthy, miserable turd who will just lie in a corner and wallow in his misery. Who is affected by that? What is this undying need to fix that situation. It is beyond me to reason with myself right now. And I have given up and given in.

I saw I was sinking and I am looking up. The Sun lit sparkling surface is water was moving farther away from me every passing second. I am moving down into the darkness. I don't hear any voices looking for me except the underwater gurgling in my ear drums. With defeated acceptance I am ready to sink to the bottom. While this was just a dream. It isn't far away from how I also feel.