Irrational

I am out there somewhere. But not here. I have become so nervous about the weekends, that I go and numb myself with liquor even before they fully kick in. I finished a bottle of wine and ate a whole of pizza.

Today was a day, where you accidentally fall out of an airplane and then then somehow survive that but land into a bone crusher. Every news that I got incrementally since morning was worse than previous one. I feel sympathy for my boss and what he goes through on daily basis.

First, the work killed me. If you are the last straw to break the camel's back do you hold it against yourself? I tried to do some good, but it was seen as too much intervention from me and someone I respect is affected by it. So much that they have chosen to leave the organisation. I have been debating whether I am responsible for that? My intentions were well placed and I am not a political person or at least I think so. Can I be wrong about everything? There is so much self doubt today. I feel like I have no mechanism to keep a check on myself. And I guess, I understand why people say that "leadership roles are very lonely". Because unlike lot of roles, candid feedback is missing. People often won't say anything. And you have to assume so much that it is easy to be a jerk and single minded or to be a pile of self doubt. Anyway, I don't have a choice but to make my peace and move on. But this was not the worst. It was news after news and by the end of the day I felt like I should just sink into the ground and disappear.

I saw a dream last night. I saw I was visiting a ancestral house. An old lady lived there. She was affectionate to me and my kids. I had my whole family with me. A person came and sort of asked me these questions about how I knew her. I didn't answer him clearly and then he sort of asked this leading question about if I could really forget the person who I knew her through? And I remembered who I knew her through. Lets call her S. I knew the old lady through S. He smiled and said, I knew you knew her through S and was just making sure you have not forgotten. Fucking mind and its mind games. Anyway, the lady was really sweet, we had a good time and she told us how she had aspirations in life. And then there was a window which allowed us to peek into her past. When I looked at it, I see that she was hit by something in her back and had a sever episode of cancer. And it took her a lot of years to recover. All her aspirations and life goals were put on a hold for that. She survived, but at what cost? She was happy but regretful about how things turned out. And we said out goodbyes and left.

So many things. S, my mom and so many subtle messages. I know my dreams are an immediate reflection of what goes in my mind. I won't even try to interpret them.

She pinged me that she found a T shirt, that I said, I didn't even realize I was missing. Did I really not realise that? It was one of my favourite and most comfortable night t shirt. Last time I left it, I think it was drenched in sweat at her place. Of course I remembered it. But I was hoping/thinking that not returning it was a conscious decision. Some part of me with some part of her. Just like a perfume bottle that I don't use, but I smell time to time. Not for the smell of the perfume, but for the hands that held it. I don't even care for the contents.

The day has just been a mess. I have three sips left to stare at the bottom of the bottle. And I cannot wait. Somedays I just feel lonely and there is no escaping that.

My situation at home has improved. It is not that I have not made effort, I have. But irrational love is irrational love. And sometimes you have to just accept that.